Crocodile's AlternativeLifestyle Adventure
by Baka Kitsune
Summary: Crocodile's lookin' for some lovin. Who answers the call of this Alabishie's desires? Read it. It's fun. Like sex in a pan -- fun for the whole family. HOLY CRAP! PT.4!
1. Crocodile Needs a Man

Crocodile's Alternative-Lifestyle Adventure  
  
Chapter One: The Ad  
  
Crocodile stood infront of a large window, moving the curtain a little, letting some late-afternoon light into the room as he looked upon the outside world of Alabasta below one of the higher floors in his casino. Nico sat in a a tacky blue, inflatable chair (Crocodile loved to furnish rooms nobody usually goes in with the most tacky objects imaginable), a notepad and pen in her lap as she amused herself with a cup and ball -- you never know which way that sucker's gonna go!  
  
Crocodile closed the curtain and looked to Nico. "Miss All Sunday? May I have a..personal...word with you?" he asked, a little embarrased. Nico stopped playing with the cup and ball,  
  
"Of course, Mr.0" she replied. What could Crocodile be wanting to ask her? Wait..could he be wishing to make all of her fangirlish dreams come true?!  
  
"Miss All Sunday..As you know...Nights in Alabasta..Are very cold and lonely..Especially..For me..." Crocodile began. Nico clutched the notepad to her chest, eyes sparkling with glee -- Was her boss, Sir Crocodile, Mr.0, about to ask her what she thought he would?! "And..Recently, I've been more lonely than usual..I'm just craving affection and the attention of another human being.."  
  
"Oh really Sir? What can I do for you? I'll do anything you ask!" she asked, almost giddy with pure delight. She knew that that stitch-faced, sexy, fur-coat wearing stud with the hook for a hand was going to ask her to spend the night with him.  
  
"Oh really? Then you have no problem helping me look for a boyfriend? GREAT!" Crocodile said, clapping his hand against his hook.  
  
"Anything for you s--...BOYFRIEND?!" Nico cried, falling backwards in the tacky inflatable chair. Crocodile nodded,  
  
"Yes. Boyfriend."  
  
"But...But Sir, with all do respect, I've never seen you with a man before.." Nico said, hoping that Crocodile was just, for some reason, confusing his genders.  
  
"Well, I grow tired of women...They just don't do it for me...They don't like the cut of my jib." Crocodile said, getting out a Baroque Works cigar, putting it in his mouth and lighting it.  
  
"I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB!!!" Nico cried, pulling herself and the chair up. Crocodile let out a hearty laugh while smoking,  
  
"Oh Nico! You crack me up! Now go to the store and get me a paper. Then, you look through the personal ads for someone perfect for me," Crocodile instructed. Nico sighed,  
  
"Sir, how the hell am I supposed to know what you're looking for in a man?" Nico said, grabbing the pen that fell from her lap and to the floor, getting ready to write things down. Crocodile rubbed his chin with his hand,  
  
"Hmmm...What AM I looking for in a man?" he said, then starting to pace. "Well..I want someone who's..around the same age as me...maybe a little older..or younger...but not too old or young! I'm not sleeping with grandpa, and I'm not molest-your-children-Michael.." Crocodile stated, looking to Nico to see if she was writing this down.  
  
"Molests children and the elderly.." Nico said as she wrote.  
  
"No I don't!" Crocodile shot at her, defensivly. Nico added a 'Doesn't' infront of her sentance.  
  
"What else?"  
  
"Well..Someone with dark hair..I like people with black hair!" Crocodile said with a stupid grin. Nico sweatdropped and read as she wrote,  
  
"Dark haired stranger with a knife.."  
  
"Ohh..I like men with weapons...Good thinking, Miss All Sunday! Oh! I want a man with muscle..I like buff men...but...Not TOO buff..I like men like that Smoker fellow. Man he was hot."  
  
"Uh-huh..Yeah, sure, okay." Nico said, writting and reading, "Hot man with a bod.."  
  
"That phrasing works for me. It makes me happy." Crocodile said nodding,  
  
"Argh, and you make me so mad I could kiss you," Nico growled.  
  
"Huh? What was that Nico?" Crocodile asked, snapping back into reality from his fantasies about being with a dark-haired buff man with a knife who wasn't a children or an elderly.  
  
"Piss glue. You make me so mad I could piss glue." Nico said quickly.  
  
"...Wouldn't that hurt?"  
  
"Yes. That's the point. Now, back to your kind of man..Personality wise, what do you want?"  
  
"I could care less if he had the personality of a rock. I just want hot sex all day and all night," Crocodile said, putting his cigar out.  
  
"...Really Sir? I never saw you as that type..." Nico said, sweatdropping.  
  
"Oh I'm just kidding Miss All Sunday! Can't you hear me drip with sarcasm?"  
  
"....No?" Nico said, looking around, unsure if Crocodile was being sarcastic about that or not. Crocodile broke out laughing once more.  
  
"Oh Nico! If only more women were like you. Aha! I want a man who'll make me laugh! And..And tell me I'm pretty..And stroke my hair softly..And, and hold me close..And be over-protective of me! Someone who'll fight for my honour! Someone who will some days, come home from work so exhausted, that he'll just put his head in my lap, and fall asleep as I gently stroke his temples..Ahhh..." Crocodile said, sighing, flopping down on the retro-boogie couch that looked like it was straight from the 60's. It was yellow and lime green with electric blue paislies and flowers. Nico sweatdropped again, and wrote/read;  
  
"I like being touched in various ways,"  
  
"I also want him to make hot love to me while I'm tied up and powerless!" Crocodile squealed, sounding like a school-girl. Nico sweatdropped more, and added the word 'kinky' between 'various' and 'ways'.  
  
"What else do you want, sir? Last point before I go get the paper.." Nico said, hoping this point wouldn't disturb her beyond all recognition.  
  
"I want a man who'll save me from nazis. Yes. Nazis." Crocodile said, clutching a pillow close to him. "The nazis want my money.." he said, sniveling in fear. Nico sweatdropped and didn't bother writting that down.  
  
"Sure sir. Alright. I'll go get the paper now," Nico said, getting up and leaving.  
  
By the time Nico arrived back at the casino, Crocodile had moved down to the Baroque Works meeting room, and sat there on a chair, petting one of his Banana Crocodile's snout with care and alarm. "Who's a good Pickles? Yeah, you're a good Pickles!!" Crocodile said, kissing the crocodile on the snout. The crocodile waggled it's tail a little as Crocodile gave the creature's massive snout a hug of love and happiness.  
  
"Erm...Sir?" Nico asked, timidly. Crocodile jumped and looked at her, wide-eyed,  
  
"HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?!" he demanded, quickly getting up and ushering the crocodile back into the tank.  
  
"I just got here! JUST! I saw nothing!" Nico said quickly. She always knew Crocodile had a unhealthy relationship with those animals. "Erm..Look!" she said, breaking the monentaral awkward silence. "I got the paper!"  
  
"Ah! Excellent! Sit, read me the "Men Seeking Men" column." Crocodile said, crossing his legs and lighting up a new cigar. Nico sat down in one of the chairs at the meeting table and spread the paper out, then flipping to the personal section of the Alabasta Sun. Usually, the personal ads in this paper were stolen from other papers, but hey, it gave one a variety. Nico scanned through the articles, reading out the headings for one to spark Crocodile's interest.   
  
"I Want a Man", "Me Hot You Now", "I'm a Pirate" --  
  
"Ooh! Read that one! I love pirates! Hey! I'm a pirate too! Me and this guy already have so much in common!!" Crocodile said with a grin.  
  
"Alright.." Nico said, clearing her throat to read the ad. "I don't like being touched, but I will wait on you hand and foot, however, I do have...anger management issues...and I have a tendancy to be pissy about everything...I'll kill you in your sleep after making you sign your will, granting everything to me..Rich people only please. No marines. No Jango. I'm pissed off at you still."  
  
"..Too crazy." Crocodile said, sweatdropping. Nico read the headings again, until she reached one pretty far down on the scale,  
  
"I'm Lonely and Have a Knife"  
  
"Read that one!! Read it!!!!" Crocodile demanded, excited by the word 'knife'.  
  
"I am tall, have dark hair, tanned skin, and carry around a bigass sword and a knife. I'm a master swordsman, and have the personality of a rock. If that doesn't make you fall instantly in love with me, I like to walk around shirtless -- mind you, I'm built like a tank and have abs you could grate cheese on. I also enjoy AHHH AHHH OH MY GOD!! MIHAWK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! OH GOD I'M CAUGHT!!! BEN!! BEN!!! HE'S GOT A KNIFE!! HELP!!!!!! Argh! Mihawk!! Look what you made me write! Now I have to do your personal ALL over again!" said Nico, sweatdropping. Whoever wrote this, was an idiot.  
  
"Ooooo...CHEESE LIKE A GRILT BAITER?!" Crocodile cried. "I WANT THIS MAN!! Miss All Sunday! Write him a letter! Tell him what I want! Ask him if he'll protect me from nazis!! GO! DO IT NOW!! SEND IT OUT BEFORE THE MAILMAN OFF LEAVES!!!" Crocodile was too excited to make sense. Nico sweatdropped for the god only knows how many-ith time for that day, but got up with the paper, and left to write Crocodile's letter.  
  
Nico sat in Crocodile's study to write out the letter. "Alright, I need to make this man repulsed by Sir Crocodile, so my precious Mr.0 will want me! BWHAHAHAH...Oh I'm so evil it's grand!" she said, writting out a letter to Mihawk.  
  
Dear "Mihawk" aka p-ad #9075325188807911b  
  
My name is Crocodile. SIR Crocodile. I don't molest children or the elderly, but I have an unhealthy relationship with my pet banana crocodiles. I own a Casino. I'm a pirate. Sorta. I live in Alabasta, and I can turn to sand. I'm attracted to men with hot bods. It makes me hot. Will you hold me and tell me I'm pretty and love me, even though I'm attracted to my pretty, young, secretary? Do you like children? I do. I want to adopt 30 of them with you. Will you marry me already? I'm a sea knight. Wanna go shave a dog? I know one. I don't like him. He has a big nose and once tried to bite me. I'm a sea knight. I'm annoying as hell sometimes and I'll nag you to death. I like booze, do you? Some people tell me I eat like a robot. I spread false news too. Let's meet. Send me a picture of yourself. I'm ugly. Tell me I'm pretty. I have a hook for a hand. I like pimps. Are you a pimp? I'm a sea knight. I don't like nazis -- they want my money. Will you protect me from them?  
  
Blissfully Ignorant,  
  
~Sir Crocodile  
  
Nico smiled to herself and tossed the letter into an envelope, tossing on plenty of stamps, and putting the proper addresses on. She sealed it and then frowned. "Maybe this is TOO mean..." Nico said, thinking for a moment. "Naw!"  
  
She then quickly went out, and beat the postman to the mailbox. Of course, she had to hit him in the face with as 2x4 and knock him out for a few minutes in the process, but still. Crocodile's letter to Mihawk was soon to be delivered. Crocodile had no clue what Nico had written, but he giddily awaited Mihawk's response..whenever it would come.  
  
~End of Chapter One~  
  
A Note From Baka Kitsune:  
  
HIO WORLD!!! ^__^ Mah-ha. All love the Mihawk/Crocodile pairing. Aherm, chapter 2 will be on it's way eventually, I just wanted to write this up quick and get it out my system. I LIKE BUTTERED TOAST! *hugs Chopper*  
  
Erm..anyways, yeeeah...I really don't like Nico, that's why I suck at writting as her (shuddap. I like Vivi and I'm LEARNING TO TOLERATE TASHIGI IN SOME SITUATIONS. u__u Lay off). Crocodile is fun to do heavily OOC, because he entertains me. I love Sir Crocodile. Anyways, yeah. I hope you all enjoyed this. If you're offended, well, too bad. If you're intriged, MARVELOUS! Wait for chapter 2. It contains Shanks and Ben and Mihawk. Oh yeah baby. Love 'em all. *noddum*  
  
Please send all praise, gifts, money and brownies to  
  
Jesus  
  
C/O The Pentagon  
  
Wyomning, Michigan  
  
Margaritaville 


	2. Mihawk's Reply

Crocodile's Alternative-Lifestyle Adventure  
  
Chapter Two: Mihawk Replies (Alternative Title: Something I Should Have Finished Friday But Was Too Engrossed In Playing Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and Phantasy Star Online)  
  
Mihawk sweatdropped as he read a letter he recieved that morning. He was currently living on Shanks' Island of Mystery with the Shanks crew -- just because he could. Shanks had been reading over his shoulder silently this whole time. Mihawk sighed, "I must kill Shanks one of these days..." he muttered. Shanks suddenly threw his arms around Mihawk's neck, hugging him and burying his face into Mihawk's shoulder.   
  
"Hawk-Eye!! This man is just so PERFECT for you!!" Shanks squealed with glee. Mihawk, freaked out by Shanks' sudden display of affection, pulled his knife out of it's cross-sheath around his neck and screamed;  
  
"STABBLE STABBLE STABBLE!!!"  
  
Shanks blinked at Mihawk's outburst, and let go of the other man. "Jeeze, you don't have to get so OFFENDED!" he said, frowning. Mihawk re-sheathed his dagger and glared at Shanks.  
  
"Stop reading my mail," Mihawk growled. Ben casually strode over to the two.  
  
"You two stop fighting.." Ben said, growing bored with their antics. Shanks clung to Ben's waist with his good arm.  
  
"Yeah Mihawk! Or Ben'll kick your ass!!...Won't you Benny?" Shanks asked sweetly, smiling up at his first mate.  
  
"Sure Captain. Whatever you say," Ben said, rolling his eyes, then sitting down on one of the rocks near Mihawk. Shanks climbed into Ben's lap and started to play with Ben's hair -- which had been cut, so now it only went down to maybe his chin when he didn't brush it back. Mihawk looked over to Ben,  
  
"So Beckman...Why DID you cut your hair, anyways?" Mihawk asked -- he'd always wonder why Ben gave up that long hair of his. "Shanks make you cut it?"  
  
"Sort of.." Ben mumbled. "It was just getting too hard to manage after sex and all. Always got all tangled because SOMEONE couldn't keep their hands out of it.." Ben then glared at Shanks, who was trying to look as innocent as a one-armed bandit could. "I meant for it to be shoulder-length...but someone distracted me, and I missed.."  
  
"It's still soft and fun to play with!" Shanks said defensivly, nuzzling Ben's neck.   
  
"No talking," Ben said as he lit up a smoke. Shanks frowned,  
  
"WHO'S The captain here?" Shanks demanded. Ben just ruffled up Shanks' red hair.  
  
"Well, I'm disturbed," said Mihawk, with a sweatdrop.  
  
"Well, Hawk-Eye, the point I'm trying to make is, you really should meet this guy, and settle down. Just like Ben and me! I left behind my wild, partying ways to live a peaceful life, with my lover," Shanks said, kissing Ben's neck. Ben smiled,  
  
"Shanks, mail for you came. Four crates --" Ben began,   
  
"WHOO!!! MY BOOZE!!" Shanks cried, jumping out of Ben's lap, and running off to get the grog he'd ordered to be shipped to the island -- he'd been sober for nearly a day. It had been killing him.  
  
Mihawk looked to Ben, cocking an eyebrow. "Uhhh--?" he began, Ben looked to the hawk-eyed swordman,  
  
"Yes..This IS settled for Shanks..He's been like this for more than ten years. I hate him." Ben said as he smoked.  
  
"......To a giant, bear of a man like yourself, hate means love, right?"  
  
"No."  
  
"...Oh. So..you don't love Shanks?"  
  
"No, I love him. In a hate-filled way."  
  
"...Uh...huh...I..see.."  
  
  
  
Shanks soon stumbled back to where Mihawk and Ben sat, clutching a stein of grog. "Lookit what came with my booze!!" Shanks cried excitedly, before flopping back down onto Ben's lap.  
  
"I see that. Very impressive, Red Hair," Mihawk said, feigning interest. Shanks took a long swig from his new stein, quite pleased.  
  
"Mihawk, you need a relationship like mine and Ben-Ben's! It was love at first sight!" Shanks cried, happily drinking more. Ben sweatdropped,  
  
"You were piss drunk, I pointed a gun at you and told you to get out of my bar.." he said.  
  
"LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!" Shanks snapped. Ben knew better than to argue that point.  
  
  
  
"How the HELL am I supposed to fall in love at first sight with a man who says things like I'm a Sea Knight" three times in a paragraph? Hell! He doesn't even have very good grammar!!" Mihawk said, appauled.  
  
"Get him to send a picture!" Shanks said. Mihawk mused over this thought for a moment,  
  
"Well...I suppose..." Mihawk said -- maybe he could use this Crocodile fellow to disturb Shanks and Ben.  
  
"He mentions he's a sea knight numerous times, Mihawk...There's something the two of you have in common," Ben pointed out.  
  
"And you can send him this picture of yourself!" Shanks said, pulling out a photograph of Mihawk that he'd taken. Mihawk blinked and looked at the photo, suddenly blushing with anger/embarassment, and he tried to grab the picture.   
  
"NO FUCKING WAY!!" Mihawk cried.  
  
The picture, was one Shanks had taken -- and Mihawk remembered this incident last weekend quite well. Mihawk had just been getting out of the shower, and was drying his hair with a hairdryer. Shanks had lept into the bathroom, and snapped the picture -- but Mihawk, being the decent being he was, tried to swiftly move so the hair dryer would cover his crotch...but unfortunatly, Shanks was too quick..and snapped the shot before Mihawk could do that..and so, the picture made it look like the hairdryer was pointed AT Mihawk's crotch, in all his glory.  
  
Shanks kept pulling away from Mihawk's reach and Ben laughed quietly to himself. Mihawk growled and pulled his dagger out of it's sheath again. "Stabble...Stabble...STABBLE..." he growled, threateningly waving the dagger about. Shanks sighed,  
  
"FINE. I won't send it!" Shanks said, pouting. "But I AM writting your reply letter back!"  
  
"What? No way! I'm supposed to do that!"  
  
"Well, Crocodile didn't even write his own letter to you, ya know!" Shanks said, folding his good arm across his chest.  
  
"What do you mean?" Mihawk asked, confused.  
  
"Well, look at it. If Crocodile REALLY wrote it, he wouldn't be talking about being attracted to his pretty, young secretary. He he really was looking for love, he would have done her by now!" Shanks sai, with a matter-of-fact-ally nod. Mihawk rubbed his temples after putting his dagger away.  
  
"Am I the only NON-IDIOT in this world?" he sighed. Ben took out another smoke and lit up.  
  
"No, you're just moronically-impaired," he muttered. Shanks looked sweetly at Ben, a playful, cute smile on his lips.  
  
"Ben-Ben? Am I a moron?"  
  
"Yes." Ben responded, his eyes closed, a small grin playing on his lips. Shanks glared at Ben and got up out of Ben's lap, hand on his hip.   
  
"I love you too!" he snapped, angry, storming off. Mihawk blinked,  
  
"I think he's mad.." he pointed out, observantly.  
  
"Nawr, he'll be over it in an hour.." Ben stated, bored.  
  
"How do you figure?" Mihawk asked, intriged. Ben opened his eyes and smirked at Mihawk,  
  
"Said he loves me, didn't he?"  
  
Sure enough, an hour later, Shanks was over Ben calling him a moron, and, after a pint, was ready to start Mihawk's letter to Crocodile. He pulled out a pen, and a piece of paper -- crossing the words "Grocery List" off the top, along with "Cocoa Puffs", "Powdered Milk", "Olives" and "Two of Every Animal"(most likely scribbled in earlier by Lucky Roux). He cleared his throat, and began to write -- talking as he did so, because he loved to hear his own voice;  
  
"Hiya Hotcakes!  
  
Do you have a southern accent? Those are HOT. I'm glad you're a sea knight -- I'm one too!! I have a knife, stabble stabble stabble. I don't like children -- they give me hives. I have a rash on my back. I have a thing for amputees -- my best friend is one! He has the greatest boyfriend in the world too! Be is so so so so so so so HOT HOT HOT!!!! Like a house of fire baby!! Sure I'll marry you!! I'm not weird! Wanna grate cheese on my abs? How about washing some clothes there too? Betcha I can use it as a washboard! Don't believe me?! WELL HA! I DID IT!! I ATE A NICKEL I WAS THERE AND I DIED I WAS DEAD!!! OF COURSE I'LL PROTECT YOU FROM NAZIS!!!  
  
Yours truly,  
  
.."  
  
Shanks suddenly realized that he was intoxicated enough to forget how to spell Mihawk's name. "Mihok..Mihark..Mihork..Mihamk..Miho-ku..Mi-hok..Myhak..Mi-hark....Man, this is difficult..." he siad, scratching his head. "MIHAWK!!! HOW DO YOU SPELL YOUR NAME USUALLY?!" he cried over to the Hawk-Eyed swordsman. Mihawk blinked,  
  
"M-i-h-a-w-k...Why?" Mihawk asked. Shanks grinned stupidly.   
  
"Thanks! I'm just finishing your letter!"  
  
"No you're NOT." Mihawk said, angry, going over to Shanks, and tearing up the letter. Shanks frowned,  
  
"That's not very nice, Mihork." he said. Mihawk sweatdropped.  
  
"I want to write my OWN letter. In fact, while you were pondering my name, I did. Here.." Mihawk said, handing Shanks the breif letter he'd written. Shanks blinked and took it, reading it outloud,  
  
"Hello.  
  
The following things piss me off; Shanks, Shanks, Shanks, Shanks, Shanks and Ben's little make-out fests, people trying to be better than me, Lucky Roux putting my stuff in neat little piles of CHAOS!! CHAOS MR.0!! CHAOS!!!!!..And also, whenever I go the submarine sandwich restaurant, and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant card at home! EVERY TIME! I WANT A FREE SANDWICH!  
  
~Mihawk"  
  
Shanks sweatdropped, "You don't know how to write good letters..do you?" Shanks said. Mihawk sweatdropped,  
  
"Not really..." he said, half embarrassed.  
  
"Well, don't worry old pal! I know just what to -- Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone? All right, sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag!" Shanks cried, jumping up and running after a plastic bag that had gone astray and was caught in an updraft. If Mihawk was capable of sweatdropping any more, that sweatdrop would be the size of East Blue.  
  
Ben calmly strode over to Mihawk, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Just leave the letter to me.." Ben said. Mihawk blinked, and sighed --   
  
"Fine...Just...don't make me sound like an idiot..." Mihawk pleaded. Ben lit up a new smoke,  
  
"No worries..I'm not like Shanks." he said, walking off to write Mihawk's letter -- unbeknownst to Mihawk, was that Ben had the picture Shanks took of Mihawk getting out of the shower, with the hairdryer to his crotch, in his pocket.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"THE MAIL IS HHEEEERE!!!" Crocodile squeeled happily, racing too the door and forgetting to open it. He smashed into the door, and after a few moments of just sitting there, realizing his face was stuck to a door, he peeled himself off of it. "Ow." he stated, now opening the door, and pulling the mail out of the mailbox. He trotted happily back to the Baroque meeting room, placed the mail on the table and let Pickles out of one of the tanks. He pet the Banana Crocodile's nose and climbed up the creature's face so he could kiss the animal's forehead.  
  
"Are we happy today, Pickles?" Crocodile asked, sliding off. Pickles wagged the tip of his tail in response. "Daddy has some mail! Yes daddy does!" he said, petting the crocodile's snout. Nico had been sitting in the corner the whole time.  
  
"Erm..Sir? Can you..NOT..do that while I'm here?" she asked. Crocodile jumped with a girlish scream and ushered Pickles back into his tank, turning to Nico,  
  
"YOU SAW NOTHING!!!" he cried.  
  
"Right Sir. I saw nothing." She said, rolling her eyes. Crocodile nodded,  
  
"Very good...Come on, We have lots of mail.." he said, as he began to divide the mail up;  
  
"Bills...bills..bills...Oh, Nico, You May Have Already Won..bills...bills..Oh Look. A postcard from Mr.3 and Mr.5.." he said, holding up a postcard.  
  
"Are they enjoying thier vacation?" Nico asked, mildly interested. Crocodile turned the card around and read,  
  
"Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Oh god oh god. Save us from the inferno." he said, " ...Ah, sounds like they're enjoying working at the retirement home."  
  
"That's always good. You need to have a hobby." Nico replied. Neither of them did it, but they were laughing hysterically at their cruel trick they'd played on Mr.3 and Mr.5 -- they told them that they'd be going to get some rest and meet alot of interesting people for the next three months..In truth, Crocodile was just needing someone to fill up the community service hours he got landed on his shoulders after "the incident"..Not his fault he thought some kittens could fly.  
  
Crocodile's eyes suddenly lit up as he saw it -- the reponse from Mihawk! He giggled with giddy delight and tore the envelope open with his hook. "Response from your new 'friend'?" Nico asked, bitter. Crocodile grinned,   
  
"Yep yep!! Want me to read it to you?!" he asked, eyes bright with joy and happiness. Nico shrugged,  
  
"Might as well.." She was seriously hoping she'd turned Mihawk off with the letter she had sent him for her beloved Mr.0. Crocodile cleared his throat and read;  
  
  
  
"Sir Crocodile,  
  
You're a funny guy, Mr.0. If you really want me to save you from nazis, I will. I wear a trench coat-like thing that deflects their bullets of evil. You're a sea knight you say? As am I. Wow, we have so much in common. And you're pretty -- you're very pretty. I assure you. I have a hot bod -- hot hot hot, like a house of fire. I hate kids -- that's why I'm gay. I like booze, and I drink like a robot. I probably eat like one too -- I don't know. I'm as pimpin' as you want me to be -- I got a pimp hat and some sexy pirate bling-bling. Sometimes, I'd dream I fell and hurt my head on a fishbowl, hurt myself just bad enough to work graveyard shift at a convience store. A group of Hari Krishnas always came in at 4am and bought 16 gallons of Mr. Slushi and a package of banana flavored Ding Dongs, then the Swedish Bikini Team jumped out of a magazine and read Moby Dick to me inside a giant carton of cottage cheese. Why? I'd ask myself, what could it mean? Am I mad or is the world just a mystery too complex to understand? ...In short, what I'm trying to say is that enclosed, is a picture of myself.  
  
-Mihawk"  
  
  
  
"He's so philosophical!!" Crocodile squeeled, looking to Nico.   
  
"....THAT was philosophical?!" Nico said, falling over.  
  
"Well, let's just take a look-see at how my potential boyfriend looks, shall we?" Crocodile said, pulling out the picture.  
  
Crocodile's eyes widened, and his face turned beet red. Within seconds, blood began gushing from his noise at an alarming rate. He shoved his hook up his left nostril and half a roll of Burley Paper Towel up the right. "OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD!!!!!!!!!!" Crocodile cried, salivating all over the floor, practically drowning in his own saliva. He soon passed out due to blood loss.  
  
Nico jumped up with alarm and called for a medic. Crocodile was put to bed, and forced to eat iron supplement pills for the next three days. However, it was at this time, that Crocodile sent out a letter to Mihawk --  
  
"We HAVE to meet. Might I suggest the Olive Garden? It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!  
  
- Sir Crocodile"  
  
~-~END CHAPTER TWO~-~  
  
A Note from Baka Kitsune:  
  
Waaai!!! __ Argh. I don't find most of this funny at all..half way through, I just stopped trying..Several Clone High USA quotes, Strong Bad quotes and a Duckman one stolen and placed in here for my own amusement. I'm tired. Let's go to school. Wait, it's the weekend. Darr, I'm not attractive.  
  
Anyways, look for CHAPTER THREE coming soon..Crocodile and Mihawk's FIRST DATE! No two people are not on fire. Awww.  
  
  
  
Expected release date of Chapter 3: Next Weekened.  
  
  
  
*Goes to do ancient history and anthropology homework o__o;;;;* 


	3. Alabasta! HO!

Crocodile's Alternative-Lifestyle Adventure  
  
Chapter 3 -- Alabasta! HO! [Alternative title: i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry ]  
  
Mihawk stared at the letter infront of him; looking at the text, letting it all absorb fully into his mind. Crocodile, the man he'd sent -- well, technically, HE didn't send ANY of the letters to the other man himself -- but nonetheless, he'd sent..well, one...But the other man wanted to meet already. He blinked a few times, memorizing the address scrawled on the envelope. He closed his eyes and nodded, "I'm going to meet this man," he declared, looking around for Shanks and Ben, to inform them he was leaving, despite the fact he had no idea what the hell a 'Rain Dinners' was, or how you could get there.  
  
"MIHAWK!! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!! DINNER!!" called Ben's gruff voice. Mihawk's stomach growled -- dinner was a good idea right about now. He'd break the news to them both there -- that way, if Shanks started sobbing about his friend leaving, Ben would be there to..er..snuggle some sense into the man. Although the mere thought of affection (especially between Shanks and Ben) sickened Mihawk, the sooner he could get away from them, the better! He quickly jaunted off to eat with the other men.  
  
On the mighty island of mystery, the crew generally ate wherever they wanted. They also tended to eat whatever was around as well -- becuase it's the pirate-y thing to do. However, Ben usually took pretty good care of Shanks, and would cook for his captain -- and, because Mihawk was a close friend to Shanks, Mihawk reaped the benefits of that. Sure, Ben's cooking skills were sub-par, but at least they were a step above and beyond "Boil water. Open box. Pour contents of box into boiling water. Cook for ten minutes. Eat". Mihawk had to admit that, although a master at swordsmanship, he was a complete idiot when it came to food preparation. He once burned water.  
  
Shanks sat on an over-turned bucket, fork and knife in hand, grinning, waiting for Ben to bring him whatever delicious, simplistic meal his first mate had prepared. Mihawk sat down a little farther than next to him, on a nearby rock, unsheathing his dagger from the cross-sheath it had, and catching a fork that Shanks decided to throw at his head -- most likely with the intent of knocking Mihawk's hat off, just so that the red-head could giggle with giddy, school-girlish glee. "Don't throw things at my head," Mihawk cautioned, "You might lose another arm.."  
  
"Stop threatening Shanks, and eat your food," Ben said, walking over, putting a plate of rice and broccoli infront of Mihawk, and then one infront of Shanks, before sitting down himself, across from Shanks, on a rock, adjacent to Mihawk, with his own plate. Mihawk, hungry as..well, something that's really hungry and shovels food into thier mouths like a robot in fear of somebody else taking it on them. Shanks just sat there, staring at his food. Ben looked at Shanks, "What's wrong?"  
  
"...There's green things on my plate.." Shanks said, staring at the broccoli on his plate.  
  
"It's called broccoli. Eat it. It's good for you."  
  
"NO." Shanks said, folding his arm over his chest and turning his head away.  
  
"Why not?" Ben demanded.  
  
"Because it's yucky-looking!"  
  
"You haven't even tasted it! Try some!"  
  
"NOOOO!!!!" whined Shanks, "It's green, it's yucky-smelling and IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY TREE!!"  
  
"Just eat is Shanks..." Mihawk muttered.  
  
"NO!!!!!" the red-head cried, having a childish tantrum. He suddenly stopped, "Ben..? When a boy tree and a girl tree love each other very much, do they make broccoli?"  
  
"Yes Shanks. A girl tree and a boy tree do the pants-less no-no and make broccoli." Ben sighed.  
  
"....Really?!" Shanks said, eyes lighting up.  
  
"No. Now just eat it."   
  
"NOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
"I'm leaving for Alabasta in the morning.."Mihawk piped in. Both men looked to Mihawk.  
  
"WHAAAAT?!" Shanks cried. "You're LEAVING us?! But..But why?! NOOO!! Stay with us, Mihawk!! I'll eat my broccoli like a good boy!! See? See?!" Shanks said, spearing a piece with his fork and shoving it into his mouth -- making the most disgusted faces and gagging noises as he possibly could as he did so. Ben sighed and lit up a new cigar,   
  
"Alabasta...That's where you're new man-friend lives..isn't it?" Ben asked. Mihawk nodded,  
  
"Yes..He wants to meet.."  
  
"AWWWW!!!!!" Shanks squeeled.  
  
"Shut the hell up," Mihawk said, glaring at Shanks.  
  
"How do you plan on getting there, Mihawk?" Ben asked, ignoring Shanks.  
  
"I'll take my boat.." Mihawk stated, adjusting his hat a little.  
  
"...No you won't.." Ben said, hiding a grin behind a large hand.  
  
"What do you mean?" Mihawk asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Lucky Roux and Yassop got wasted last night and..well, let's just say, your boat has seen better days..."  
  
"WHAT?!?!?! FATTY AND BAD SKIN?!!? ARGH!!!" Mihawk yelled, taking his hat off, and throwing it to the ground with such force, it bounced back up and landed on his head.  
  
".....That was pretty cool.."Ben said, blinking, staring at Mihawk's hat.  
  
"Paaaaayyyy attention to meeeeeee.." Shanks whined.  
  
"Quiet Shanks. The adults are speaking." Ben said, hushing his lover. Mihawk sighed,  
  
"How am I going to get to Alabasta NOW?!" Mihawk said, rubbing his temples. Shanks got up, making sure the plate full of rice and disgusting broccoli would fall face first onto the sand, and put his only good arm around Mihawk's neck,  
  
"Well Fool-Buddy...We'll take you!" Shanks said, happily.  
  
"Duh-wha??" Mihawk asked, eyes wide, blinking. His goal was to get AWAY from these freaks -- AWAY.  
  
"Pack up mates!!" Shanks called to his crew, "The Red-Hair Pirate Crew is goin' to ALABASTA!!"  
  
"ALABASTA HERE WE COME!!" Yassop yelled, punching the air with a fist, and then glaring at Mihawk, "I do NOT have bad skin.."  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Nico sat in a chair by the door that the postman would drop the mail in at -- Crocodile, being the saavy business-type man he attempted to be, decided that the postman should bring all of their mail a door located at the back of the casino -- making him pass by all the roulette tables, the bar, and the slot machines, in hopes of giving the poor, mentally unstable lunatic with the .44 in his mail bag another addiction. Nico sat, tapping her nails together, staring at the mail slot with dead-set eyes...Waiting....Watching...Her heart rate speeding up as the moment she was waiting for would soon come.  
  
Several envelopes got shoved through the mail slot. Nico BOLTED up and grabbed hold of the knob -- only to find, it was locked. "ARGH!!!!!" she screamed, "FUCKING....NOZZLE!!!" She'd forgotten exactally what the little knob on the door was called -- she'd been known to do that from time to time, and it made her very cross. She unlocked the infernal device, and opened the door, screaming out into the crowded casino, "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME MR.POSTMAN!!!!! .....UNLESS YOU'RE A GHOST. THEN DON'T HAUNT ME. PLEASE. KAY? THAAANKS!!" and with that, she closed the door. Crocodile came up behind her, holding a Ziggy mug with coffee in it.  
  
"Feeling better?" he asked. Nico turned around and nodded to Crocodile,  
  
"Much better," she replied, and then took the mug from him, and sipping on the coffee.  
  
".....That's my Ziggy mug..." Crocodile said, moping.  
  
"Oh grow up."  
  
  
  
Crocodile pushed Nico aside and bent down to pick up the mail -- Nico decided to use this to her advantage, and gave her boss a 'friendly' smack on the rear end. Crocodile blinked and looked over his shoulder at her, just as she pulled her hand away. "...Did you just slap my ass?" he questioned. Nico attempted to look as innocent as possible.  
  
"SLAP your ASS? NO sir!! Not me! Never! It must have been that...bean...you ate.." she replied, innocently whistling. A doofy grin crossed Crocodile's face,  
  
"Yeah.. That was one HELL of a three-bean salad.." he said. Nico sweatdropped.  
  
"You.. didn't actually eat that, did you..?" she questioned, remembering how the two of them had cleaned out a mini fridge in one of the rooms Crocodile didn't go in very often, and they had discovered that foul-smelling container of only gods-knew-what. They decided on it being three-bean salad from the Taco Taco Fantastico down the street -- they had ordered it three months ago.  
  
"Well.. Why not? I mean.. It was in the fridge..and not entirely open.." he said. Nico clutched her stomach.  
  
"Excuse me. I'm going to be sick..." she said, running off to the can-room, dropping the Ziggy mug. Crocodile stood up after catching the mug.  
  
"Gee... Nico's sure been acting strange this past... while..." Crocodile said to himself -- unable to do simple math problems in his head because too much grease from his hair had seeped into his brain, therefore unable to calculate out how long Nico'd been acting strange (it had been no more than a week or so). "She must be hopped up on the crack."  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mihawk and the Akakami pirate crew were sailing towards Alabasta -- Mihawk was still pretty pissy that Shanks wanted to come along to meet Crocodile, but Ben told him that he's do his best to keep Shanks busy for at least a few hours. Mihawk sighed and leaned over the side of the ship, his arms dangling, looking both angry and bored -- only something Mihawk knew how to do. Shanks popped up behind the hawk-eyed man. "Heeey MIIIHAAAAWK!" he cried.  
  
"What?" Mihawk said, not even startled. Shanks frowned, upset that he couldn't scare the bejesus out of Mihawk anymore.  
  
"What ever happened to that one guy you were dating? Do-Flamming-Homo or something.."  
  
"Doflamingo?"   
  
"Yeah! That guy! Wore the pink..thing.."  
  
"We decided it was best to move on. He was sleeping with an ugly man that looked like a bear, and I was sleeping with you while you breifly cheated on Ben--"  
  
"SHH!!" Shanks yelled. "Ben doesn't know about that!!"  
  
"Yes he does,"Mihawk said, grinning.  
  
"What do you mean?!" Shanks asked, eyes wide.  
  
"I told him a couple minutes ago.."  
  
"Ahh!! That's why he's ignoring me!!" Shanks cried out, tears forming in his eyes. "I need to go apologize to him!!" and with that, Shanks ran off. Mihawk smirked and stood upright, following after Shanks -- this is something he'd HAVE to see, peticularly considering he didn't tell Ben ANYTHING.  
  
"BEN!! I'M SORRY!!" Shanks cried. Mihawk was standing right near the red-haired captain now, whom was banging his fist on the bathroom door. "PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!"  
  
"I'M ON THE CAN!!" Ben shouted, "AND I FORGIVE YOU! For whatever it was you did.." Ben said back, flipping through the newspaper. Mihawk started laughing and pointed at Shanks.  
  
"Ha ha! You've been FORGIVEN!"  
  
"DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME!!" Shanks yelled at Mihawk, now sobbing.  
  
"MIHAWK!! DID YOU MAKE SHANKS CRY?!" Ben shouted.  
  
"No, he's just being an idiot." Mihawk replied to the bathroom door.  
  
"He does that alot," Ben said, returning to reading the newspaper while on the crapper.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Crocodile sat sprawled out in a chair in the Baroque Works meeting room, his feet up on the table. Nico sat nearby, in a tacky inflatable chair she brought down from one of the upper hippie-retro rooms, flipping through a random gay porn magazine she'd found underneath it. Crocodile streched out, "Wow Miss All Sunday..How about this HEAT?" he asked, as he unbuttoned his shirt with his bling-bling covered hand.  
  
"Uh..huh.." Nico replied, looking at the centerfold of the magazine, glancing over at Crocodile unbuttoning his shirt. Crocodile looked down at his chest and broke out laughing,  
  
"Wow! Hey Nico!! Check it out! My nipple's like a JUNIOR MINT!"  
  
"Sir? That IS a Junior Mint.." Nico replied, sweatdropping. Crocodile blinked and picked off the Junior Mint that was stuck to his right nipple.  
  
"I LOVE chocolate.." he said, looking to Nico, grinning, "But I can't eat it.." he continued, popping the half-melted chocolate coated mint into his mouth that had probably been stuck to him for several days by this point, "Because it'll make me FAT.." he said as he chewed, "But it's SOOOOO GOOD!!"  
  
"Yes sir.. Whatever." Nico responded -- she'd stopped listening a few minutes ago.  
  
"...Miss All Sunday!! Are you reading PORN!?" Crocodile asked, sounding semi-disgusted.  
  
"....No..." Nico responded, looking slightly ashamed, trying to hide the magazine.  
  
"..Then what were you looking at?!"  
  
"...Sometimes? When I look at my viens; my hands they remind me of these two snakes that love."  
  
"..Oh, okay." Crocodile said, "That's okay then."  
  
"Sir? Are you SURE that you want to meet this guy?"  
  
"What guy?" Crocodile asked, licking his finger and trying to rub off the remaining chocolate that had encrusted itself to his nipple.  
  
"This..Mihawk... guy.." Nico said, sounding slighlty bitter.  
  
"..Mi...hawk..?" Crocodile asked, blinking.  
  
"...The guy who's built like a tank and had abs you can grate cheese on?"  
  
"Oh!! That guy!! Yeah!"  
  
"Well, he's probably going to show up either today or tomorrow.." Nico said, half-muttering. Crocodile gasped.  
  
"OH MY GOD!! I NEED TO GET CHANGED!!" and with that, he bolted up from the chair and tripped up the stairs. Nico gaspsed and got up, running over.  
  
"Mr.0!! Are you alright?!"  
  
"DID SOMEBODY SAY BONDAGE?!" Crocodile cried, jumping up.  
  
"No?" Nico said, now offically confused.  
  
"...Oh.." Crocodile said, hanging his head and walking off.  
  
"...My boss is WEIRD..."  
  
~END PART 3! ~  
  
A note from Baka Kitsune:  
  
Okay, yyyeah. VEY overdue and semi rushed.. but enjoy it!! There WILL be a part 4! After exams. I PROMISE. By FEBRUARY!! If a 4th part isn't up by Feb., PLEASE message me via AIM or MSN or Yahoo and SLAP ME WITH A LUTEFISH. Understood? MAHH-VELOUS! 


	4. QBert!

Crocodile's Alternative-Lifestyle Adventure  
  
Chapter 4: Q-BERT  
  
(title suggested by Doug)  
  
"This was a wonderful idea.." Shanks whispered into Ben's ear. Ben smiled and wrapped his arms around Shanks' naked body; as the two men shared a hot bath together, hidden away below deck. They hadn't really had much time to bathe together since Mihawk had been living with them -- on account they figured that they couldn't leave Mihawk unattended due to inevitable fact he'd kill every single member of the Red-Hair pirates. Mihawk assured them he would be okay as long as non of them pissed him off; so the two men figured they'd be fine. Shanks rested his chest against Ben's; the red-head's lips nearly touching those of the dark-haired man. "Make love me me, Ben.." Shanks whispered, "I want you deep inside me.." he moaned softly as he rubbed his hips against the other man's. "Kiss me.."  
  
The two men leaned in to one and other; thier lips nearly touching, when Mihawk bust into the room and shouted as loud as he could -- "MARBLE TUPLIP JUICY TREE!!!". Both Ben and Shanks jumped to opposite ends of the stared at Mihawk -- angry, confused AND completly weireded out at the same time by Mihawk's outburst. Mihawk clapped his hands together and laughed at the two men. "Oh MAN!! you guys should see the looks on your faces!!" he cried -- he really wasn't acting very Mihawk-y today.  
  
"GET OUT OF HERE!!" Shanks screamed, throwing a bar of soap at Mihawk's head -- missing by no less than a foot. Mihawk sighed and shook his head;  
  
"We're about to dock. We've reached Alabasta. Come on. .. We need to figure out how to get to this.. "Rainy Land" place.. or whatever.." Mihawk said; realizing now he had NO idea where the hell he was. Ben sighed,   
  
"Fine.. we'll be up in a few minutes.." Ben said. Mihawk nodded and left. Shanks pouted,  
  
"But I wanted to have sex.." he whined.  
  
"We will...later." Ben said, leaning over and kissing Shanks on the forehead.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mihawk climbed back up to the upper-deck and streched out. "Ahh.. What a nice day.." and suddenly, a bird smucked into his face. "STABBLE STABBLE STABBLE!!!" he shouted, groping for something to stab the bird with. The bird squacked, dropping a letter it was carrying and flew away. Mihawk turned around and shook his fist in the direction the bird had gone, screaming, "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT YOU FREAKIN' OUSEUX!!!  
  
"umm.. Mihawk? There was only one bird.." Yassop said, timidly. Mihawk turned around and glared,  
  
"You better pretend you don't speak French RIGHT now, Jesus Bu.." Mihawk warned.  
  
"My name is Yassop.." Yassop corrected.  
  
"Suure it is CRAIG." Yassop figured it was now time to back off about trying to get Mihawk to say his name right.  
  
"Look! The bird dropped something!"  
  
"Ooh.. We should open it.." Mihawk said, picking up the envelope. "It might be coupons for free General Mills products!"  
  
"Even thier Old El Paso taco sauce?" Yassop gasped,  
  
"ESPECIALLY their Old El Paso taco sauce!"  
  
"Wow.. What an age we live in..." Yassop said in awe. Mihawk opened up the envelope; and found only a letter inside. He quickly read it to himself.   
  
"Hmm..." he said, musing to himself.  
  
"What's a hmm?" Shanks asked; appearing fully-dressed behind Mihawk. Mihawk turned his head to the red-head,  
  
"There's a carriage waiting outside this town to take us to where Crocodile lives.." Mihawk said. Shanks blinked, and Ben walked over to the group,  
  
"How did these people know where you'd be?" he asked -- Ben had super hearing and was able to hear the whole conversation. Mihawk looked up and pointed to the sky.  
  
"Satelites.." he whispered.  
  
"Uh-huh... Yes... Satelites... Riiiiight..." Ben said. Shanks shrugged,  
  
"Well, let's just get to the cart -- Yassop, you and the rest of the crew stay here. We'll be back...at some point.. We'll bring you back something nice" Shanks said, patting Yassop on the head and then batting one of Yassop's dreadlocks.  
  
"Please stop that." Yassop said with a sweatdrop.  
  
"Yes Shanks, listen to Terrance, and let's go" Mihawk said, now impatient.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Crocodile stood in the bathroom, a leg on the toilet seat, wearing only a pair of boxers that looked as if they'd been made from his yellow-plaid shirt. "When the working day is done; girls - they want to have fun! Oh girls just want to have fun!" he sang, as he sloppily shaved his hairy legs. "Tee hee! I am gonna look so pretty for my date!" he said. Nico sighed from where she sat -- which was on the edge of the bathtub.  
  
"Shave UP you idiot.." she said, an annoyed tone in her voice.   
  
"Huh?" Crocodile said, blinking. He tried shaving in the opposite direction he'd been going in -- realizing it was much easier that way. "Thank you Miss All Sunday! Now I'll be sure to look pretty for my date with Derwood!"  
  
"His name, is Mihawk."  
  
"Yes! Mihawk, of course! Derwood Mihawk!"  
  
"Juraquille.."  
  
"Dracul?"  
  
"Yes, that's an acceptable spelling.."  
  
"..Spelling..?"  
  
"Nevermind..." Nico sighed. "This guy is TOTALLY wrong for you anyways."  
  
"What do you mean?" Crocodile asked; extremely confused.  
  
"Finish shaving and meet me in the meeting room later on... I need to go stalk the postman.." she said, getting up and leaving. Crocodile sighed and shook his head,  
  
"That crack is really getting to her..I should get her into rehab.."  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Chaka?? Chaka? Where are you?" Pell said impatiently, looking around the palace for the other guard. "Damnit..Where is that damn dog?!"  
  
"I'm right here." Pell turned around and saw Chaka there, carrying an empty can of what was once lilac-purple coloured paint. Pell stared at the remnants of the can and then glared up at the large-nosed man.  
  
"I HOPE that can was used to paint our room and NOT for what I think it was.." he said, bitterly. Chaka whistled innocently and looked away fom Pell,  
  
"I swear I didn' use it to throw at Kohza.."  
  
And with those words, Kohza walked by the two guards with Vivi beside him -- muttering angerly, his hair, face, glasses, coat, scarf and shirt covered with lilac coloured paint. Pell scowled at Chaka, "You are SO dead.. That was OUR special thing..and you go and do it without me.. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THROWING PAINT AT KOHZA!!" he yelled.  
  
"Honey, please, calm down.. You're making a scene.."  
  
"I am NOT making a scene! If I was making, oh-ho-ho-boy you would KNOW I was making a scene!!"   
  
"Well.. Just forgive me and we can get going to the Rain Base.." Chaka sighed  
  
"Fine. Let's go." and with that, the two men headed off to the place where Crocodile's Casino is -- because sometimes we don't know how correct our subtitles are.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"...That is the first time I have EVER seen a turtle smoking a cigar.." Ben said as he, Shanks and Mihawk got out of the cart. They'd finally arrived at thier destination -- outside a bustling casino town in Alabasta.  
  
"So... this is the place your lover lives, Mihawk?" Shanks asked.  
  
"My possible "lover", yes..I... think.." he said.  
  
"Hey, this place looks great! We should do some shopping Ben-Ben!!" Shanks squeeled, adding quickly, "As long as you don't buy any creepy desert broccoli!!" Ben sighed,  
  
"I won't.."  
  
"Alright, while you guys get groceries, I'll go meet this guy.. Okay?" Mihawk said.  
  
"Sounds fine to me." Ben agreed, "How about you, Shanks?" Ben asked, blinking, looking around for Shanks, "Captain..?"   
  
Shanks had wandered off ahead and was playing on the ground with some children who were playing jacks. "Ooh!! I got TWOSIES!" the red-head cried out gleefully. Ben sighed and shook his head.  
  
"We'll see you later, Mihawk."  
  
Mihawk walked off in a direction that would get him away from Ben and the red-haired man-child with hairy legs known as Shanks. Though he usually had a very good sense of direction on the sea, Mihawk was a moron in towns. He was literally walking in a circle -- but what was truly sad, was he was just walking in the very same spot, in a circular pattern. "Durr... WHERE am I?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Pell walked along beside Chaka -- they'd gotten to the Rainy place. Chaka looked over at Pell, "Soooo....Are you ever going to tell me about the guy you had once who was better than me in bed?" he asked, bluntly. Pell stopped and his cheeks flushed a little. It had been a long time since he'd even mentioned that to Chaka -- mentioned about that one-night stand he'd had with a very attractive man with interesting facial hair (after Pell had mentioned that one night several months back, Chaka grew a handle-bar mustache -- everyone in the palace DEMANDED he cut it off after two days). It wasn't a very passionate affair -- in fact, Pell had pretended to be foreign and spoke very strangely the whole time -- but it was one hell of a memortable event. Pell shook his head, clearing it of all memories of the other man.   
  
  
  
Pell opened his mouth to speak, but as he did he saw just ahead of him, walking in circles, the man he'd spent that unforgettable night with -- Dracul Mihawk. Pell swallowed hard, and was stuck for words for a moment. Then, an idea struck him -- possibly the most brilliant idea in the history of man-kind.. "Well Pell? Are you?" Chaka asked. Pell turned around and cleared his throat, shouting as loudly as he could, doing everything he possibly could to draw attention to himself --  
  
"CHA-KA!!!! I WANT TO TAAAALK TO YOOOOOU!!!" Pell shouted with a ridiculous accent. "I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE TRRRREEEEEATING ME, CHA-KA!!!! YOU TREAT ME LIKE ANI-MAL!!"  
  
Chaka stared wide-eyed at the shorter man, feeling VERY embarrassed right now -- a crowd was gathering around them. "But.. But you were a desert falcon ten minutes ago!" he tried to argue. Pell was no where near done.  
  
"I AM ALBASTAIN MAN NOW, CHA-KA!! I WANT WHAT IS COMING TO ME!"  
  
"Well..What do you want?!"  
  
"HALF!!!!!" Pell shouted, "HALF CHA-KA!!!" Chaka stared at Pell -- he couldn't believe he was hearing this. He only prayed that Pell was finished.  
  
"Erm...Umm..." Chaka was stuck for words now.  
  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATE-LY?!"  
  
"Umm.. umm.. We make good love?!" Chaka blurted out -- now he was just pulling things out of the air.  
  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.. FOR ME... LATE-LY!?!"  
  
Mihawk came over after hearing the whole thing. He recognized Pell almost insantly. "Pell? Is that you, my funny foreign friend?" he asked. Chaka stared at Mihawk -- noticing the uniue facial hair immidietly. Pell looked to Mihawk,  
  
"OH MIHA-K! I AM ALBASTAIN CITIZEN NOW! IT WONDERFUL! HAVING DI-VORCE WITH CHA-KA!"  
  
"I see, that's nice.I hope it all works out for you and you're unhappy with half his stuff--" Mihawk began, intending on asking Pell how to get to the Casino.  
  
"OH! HAPPY I WILL BE! CHA-KA!! I GET BLENDER."  
  
"Wait just a damn minute--" Chaka said, getting angry. The last thing he wanted was Pell to leave him -- AND take the blender.  
  
"Say, do either of you know how to get to some "Rain Dinners" place? It's..a casino?" Mihawk asked, sweatdropping, feeling sort of stupid asking for directions -- but from the progress he'd made earlier, he figured he'd be wandering around all day at that pace. Pell and Chaka both pointed to the right -- they had been standing RIGHT infront of the place.  
  
Mihawk quickly thanked Pell and Chaka, and ran off into the casino. Mihawk didn't like the casino -- too many fat people. A lot of them were ugly too... Smelled bad...and they had small hands. Mihawk continued on his way to the back of the Casino where there was a sign that read "VIP". He knocked on the door -- well, actually, his fist was ready to knock on the door, but it suddenly flew open and Nico snarled, "YOU FINALLY COME CRAWLING BACK DO YOU?! AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS! I WAITED FOR YOU, AND YOU NEVER SAID A WORD TO ME! I HIT YOU WITH A 2x4 FOR GOD'S SAKE! WE SPENT THAT INCREDIBLE NIGHT TOGETHER AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN OUR SON! I WROTE YOU ALL THOSE LETTERS AND NEVER ONCE DID YOU RESPOND YOU HORRIBLE, AWFUL, DISGRACEFUL MAN!!!!" she screamed, slamming the door. Mihawk stood there, and blinked, eyes wide with both fear and shock, not entirely sure of what the hell was going on. Nico shyly opened the door again, and took Mihawk by the wrist, leading him inside. "Sorry...I thought you the postman.." she muttered. Mihawk, although now a little weirded-out, decided it was a good enough apology.  
  
Nico led Mihawk down to the Baroque Works meeting room, where Crocodile was waiting. "Your new boy-toy is here, sir.." Nico said, a little bitterly. Mihawk walked down the stairs casually. Crocodile stood up and looked at Mihawk, pouting.  
  
"NO! That's NOT him!!" he shouted. Mihawk stopped and blinked. Nico ran down the stairs, thinking Crocodile may have come to his senses.  
  
"What do you mean, sir?" she asked. Crocodile sobbed,  
  
"I THOUGHT HE'D BE NAKED!! LIKE IN THE PICTURE!!!"  
  
Mihawk and Nico both sweatdropped. He KNEW Ben sent that picture (despite his constant denile of it), but he still felt pretty embarrassed about that. "Umm... Should I just leave?" Mihawk asked. Crocodile looked up, recognizing Mihawk's voice.   
  
"I.. I know that voice.." he said, racing over to Mihawk, staring at him. Mihawk stared back. Both men suddenly leapt back, pointing at each other, shouting out happily,  
  
"I REMEMBER YOU!!!"  
  
Both men laughed and hugged each other, Mihawk patting Crocodile on the back. "You were at the Christmas party!" Crocodile said.  
  
"Yeah! And so were you!" Mihawk replied.  
  
"You're the guy who got a lap-dance from Kuma!!" Crocodile said, snorting with laughter. Mihawk scowled,  
  
"A lap-dance is STILL a lap-dance...No matter WHAT is giving it to you...At least I didn't get raped by Doflamingo."  
  
"I've said this to everyone, so I'll say it again. He didn't RAPE me, I was ASLEEP."  
  
"Suuure."  
  
"...Well, I'm disturbed." Nico said, getting very uncomfortable. Mihawk turned and looked at Nico,  
  
"Ah.. yeah, I remember you. You got drunk and made arms grow out of Shanks' chest just to hear him scream like a girl.." he said. Nico flushed slightly from embrassment -- remember that part of the night.  
  
"So, Mihawk, where are we going to go for our first date?! LOOK! I shaved my LEGS!!"  
  
"Sir, can I talk to you over here for a minute?" Nico asked, remembering she meant to have a little "talk" with her boss.  
  
"Hm? Sure... One minute, Mihawk," Crocodile said, walking over to Nico. "What is it Miss All Sunday?"  
  
"This man is completly wrong for you," Nico said, bluntly -- not caring that Mihawk was within earshot.  
  
"How? Explain?" Crocodile asked, sternly.  
  
"He smells like cobbler."  
  
"Now now.. by accusing Mihawk of smelling like cobbler, you're only accusing yourself," Crocodile said, shaking a finger at her.   
  
"What is THAT supposed to mean?!" she asked.  
  
"Give me a new reason."  
  
"He's...not exactally perfect.."  
  
"He may not be perfect, but at least he's SPANISH."  
  
"..That has very little relevance to what we're talking about.."  
  
"Oh Nico, it has LOADS to do with what we're talking about!"  
  
"May.. I cut in for a moment?" Mihawk asked, walking over to them. Nico glared at Mihawk,  
  
"FINE." she hissed bitterly. Mihawk put an arm around Crocodile, looking at Nico,  
  
"Now, I may not be the best man in the world.. But I know ALL the words to Bohemian Rhapsody--"  
  
"Everyone knows the words to that song!" Nico argued.  
  
"Oh forget it.." Mihawk said, "Just let us date in peace!"  
  
"This ain't over.." Nico hissed, the two men walking off.  
  
Crocodile looked to over to Mihawk once they were away from Nico, "Don't mind her..she's going through cocaine withdrawl.." he said. Mihawk nodded,   
  
"I see.."  
  
"So, where are we going on our DATE??" Crocodile asked. Mihawk smirked,  
  
"To the BEST damn place in town..But not until later tonight.. I will pick you up at eight."  
  
~END PART 4~  
  
--A Note From Baka Kitsune---  
  
BWHAHAHA!! It's DONE!! Chapter 4 is DONE! n__n What will happen in part 5? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!! Sorry that this is late -- nobody smacked me with a lutefish. _ 


End file.
